When Parents Don't Want Help

If you have a parent over the age of 85 who is in great physical and mental health, count your blessing! Yesterday, I had the pleasure of visiting with my cousin's father-in-law, Mort, who will be 91 next week. Mort is a retired financial executive. He is in good health, alert and quick-witted, steady on his feet and he drove himself from Los Angeles to Orange County at the 65 MPH speed limit. He's one of those elders that gives hope to Baby Boomers like me. My parents have not been so lucky.

There's nothing more frustrating than watching your elderly parents decline in health and mental acuity, unless it's dealing with their denial. A friend of mine called recently to tell me about her experience of trying to help her 86 year-old mother with a plan to support her as her health declines. Her mother is a wealthy widow who has lived alone for many years. She's a corporate executive and is still working every day at the job she has held for decades thanks to the respect and admiration of her younger colleagues. Although she can no longer see very well, even with her glasses, is quite frail and uses a cane or walker to get around on foot, she insists she doesn't need any help at home other than her weekly housekeeper, and she is fine with paying gobs of money for a limo service every day. It's a long story, and very upsetting to her daughter who fears she may hurt herself or be taken advantage of by people who appear to be well-meaning. But any effort on my girlfriend's part to find assistance for her mother has been met with a very cold and emphatic "NO."

My advice to those of you going through this kind of situation is to back off and let life take its course for your parent, UNLESS they are putting someone else's life in danger by driving. If they're just spending their own money to pay for services they want or need, then let them do it. Yes, the spending may have a significant impact on a trust or your inheritance, but it IS their money. Forcing your "solutions" on a mildly disabled parent with little or no cognitive impairment, even when your intentions are the best, will backfire unless you have some level of buy-in from them up front. If you have a polite conversation with your parents about your concerns and they become agitated, angry or defensive, then let it go.

Stop yourself from offering to do things like shopping, cooking and errands for your elderly parents if those things make your own life too difficult to manage. Keep your boundaries. This sends them the message that they will have to walk their talk of independence. If and when they really do need help and they admit it, then you have a window to re-open a conversation about affordable caregiving resources including support from you and your family. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up if they refuse your help. Disengage and love them as they are.