Even a Sunset

OK, I must admit that two major "transitions" in one day is flattening. Losing my mom and Gary's sister, Arline, on the same day (1/7) sent us both into instant shock. More than a week later, we are still a nasty mess. When we speak, we make sense only about 60% of the time. Our words, especially those expressing ideas, thoughts, desires, even commands, often come out as gibberish. Example: Yesterday at Starbucks I wanted to order my usual venti decaf Americano with sugar free hazelnut. I ordered a grande sugar free hazelnut latte. I buzzed for hours because of the caffeine - but none of my buzz made much sense. Thank GOD I have associates who check my work!

As I write this, Gary is watching an NFL playoff game, but he looks and acts like a zombie. He can't tell me who is playing except to say, "old Colts and new Colts," and "it's three to three." He says he has a headache and isn't interested in eating dinner. I know he will be interested in chocolate.

Grief sucks. Even a beautiful sunset at the beach, like the one pictured here, doesn't merit a smile and the awe it richly deserves. We kind of gaze at what's in front of us - TV or computer screen - or we stare at each other hoping the other person will start a conversation. Gary coughs and I type or turn pages of a magazine. Mom's dog, Bailey, the pygmy sheep, cries incessantly at the screen door, as if to be sure we know he has lost his best friend, too.

We try to stay busy and pass the time with chores. Laundry does wonders in that department. Unfortunately, Gary, in his laundry zeal, today washed his new Tommy Bahama black silk shirt, a Christmas gift from our children, in a cold-water wash with a bunch of my white stuff, and everything self-destructed. His shirt is three sizes smaller and my white blouses and undies are gun metal gray. Thank God we have our senses of humor to combat the compulsion to bark at each other or worse, sink into those deep sobs that resonate grief.

The Indianapolis Colts are way ahead at this moment. I'm feeling glad that football is something Gary and I both enjoy, something we can count on to mitigate the pain of profound loss. I know we have to grieve and get through this bad time; but I also know we need brightness of the future. We love the Arizona Cardinals and Kurt Warner; but we're ok with the New Orleans Saints dominating today, knowing the tragedy and pain the New Orleans fans went through only a few years ago. These football games seemed a good counter-balance to all the horrors of Haiti on the air 24/7 right now...and the pain Gary and I feel about the loss of our loved ones.

There will be many more gorgeous sunsets in my life when I won't be devastated by grief. And like every day on this planet, those sunsets will be beautiful......