Melting Down
Mom's ok. Her CT scan yesterday showed that the bleeding in her brain has stopped. If it's still that way today, she may be released tomorrow, hopefully to go home.
Meanwhile, I hit meltdown on Friday afternoon. I don't do "cracking" well, because I think I'm supposed to be very centered and self-actualized, which of course, I will never be. I don't care if you're Ghandi or Mother Theresa, there must be situations or "things" that push even the most "present" human beyond the limits of a wise and calm response.
On Friday, I "popped" like a big, ugly pimple. It happened somewhere in the midst of the hospital nurse calling to say Mom needed a blood transfusion, Bindi peeing, pooping and puking in my office suite, and a friend reminding me I was very late with a loan payment. I simply couldn't take it any more, so I cleaned up Bindi's mess before leaving the office to take her home and go visit Mom at the hospital. I was sobbing in my car when the cell phone rang and it was my dear cousin/best friend, Dru. She knew something was wrong. Long story short, she agreed to meet me at the hospital.
This was a dark day. Dark days happen. Luckily I've only experienced a handful this lifetime. They're scary. When I'm experiencing one, it's like being in a suffocating fog. I take deep breaths between sobs and reach out for someone to talk to, in this case, Dru and my other sweet cousin, Margie (via phone from Connecticut) and as always, my remarkable husband, Gary. They brought me back from the dark side, in simple, baby steps. Margie promised me things would get better. Dru and I talked with Mom at the hospital, then went out afterwards for dinner, which was mostly me crying and Dru supporting a most blessed way. Later, at home, Gary held me and affirmed that love is what gets us through times like these. That's hard to believe when one is depressed, but I believe in Gary and I believe in love and I believed Margie's promise that things will get better.
At the bottom of this well of anxiety and depression is unresolved anger. I'm working on it, as I have been for the past five years, but it's tough because I can't control the circumstances. That's been the big lesson. I can't control anyone but me - seems so easy to say, and so very hard to do. The people who have hurt me and my mom blame our control issues, and to that I say, "Look in the mirror." I am the first person to admit I've had control challenges which are rooted in my childhood with an alcoholic parent.
At church yesterday morning, the choir sang "Let it Be," - perfect song for my circumstances. And that was followed by the soloist singing "A Whole New World," from the movie, "Aladdin." I thought, "OK, Shannon, you can let it be today. And when you feel like it, you can get up and out of this funk that's caused by external pressures and ride the magic carpet of your attitude to a new and better perspective. You do that by focusing on the good things happening in your life instead of the crap. That's the whole new world!"
Shortly after that little epiphany, my friend Terry came over with some great pizza for me to try. We sat on the front porch with Vanna and Bindi and an air force of June bugs, talking about our various challenges. Another neighbor, Signe, walked across the steet and told us about a wonderful event she had attended. When they left, I realized they were the one of the "baby steps" God sent me - friends who appeared to gently coax me further out of that choking fog. I'm grateful.
Meanwhile, I hit meltdown on Friday afternoon. I don't do "cracking" well, because I think I'm supposed to be very centered and self-actualized, which of course, I will never be. I don't care if you're Ghandi or Mother Theresa, there must be situations or "things" that push even the most "present" human beyond the limits of a wise and calm response.
On Friday, I "popped" like a big, ugly pimple. It happened somewhere in the midst of the hospital nurse calling to say Mom needed a blood transfusion, Bindi peeing, pooping and puking in my office suite, and a friend reminding me I was very late with a loan payment. I simply couldn't take it any more, so I cleaned up Bindi's mess before leaving the office to take her home and go visit Mom at the hospital. I was sobbing in my car when the cell phone rang and it was my dear cousin/best friend, Dru. She knew something was wrong. Long story short, she agreed to meet me at the hospital.
This was a dark day. Dark days happen. Luckily I've only experienced a handful this lifetime. They're scary. When I'm experiencing one, it's like being in a suffocating fog. I take deep breaths between sobs and reach out for someone to talk to, in this case, Dru and my other sweet cousin, Margie (via phone from Connecticut) and as always, my remarkable husband, Gary. They brought me back from the dark side, in simple, baby steps. Margie promised me things would get better. Dru and I talked with Mom at the hospital, then went out afterwards for dinner, which was mostly me crying and Dru supporting a most blessed way. Later, at home, Gary held me and affirmed that love is what gets us through times like these. That's hard to believe when one is depressed, but I believe in Gary and I believe in love and I believed Margie's promise that things will get better.
At the bottom of this well of anxiety and depression is unresolved anger. I'm working on it, as I have been for the past five years, but it's tough because I can't control the circumstances. That's been the big lesson. I can't control anyone but me - seems so easy to say, and so very hard to do. The people who have hurt me and my mom blame our control issues, and to that I say, "Look in the mirror." I am the first person to admit I've had control challenges which are rooted in my childhood with an alcoholic parent.
At church yesterday morning, the choir sang "Let it Be," - perfect song for my circumstances. And that was followed by the soloist singing "A Whole New World," from the movie, "Aladdin." I thought, "OK, Shannon, you can let it be today. And when you feel like it, you can get up and out of this funk that's caused by external pressures and ride the magic carpet of your attitude to a new and better perspective. You do that by focusing on the good things happening in your life instead of the crap. That's the whole new world!"
Shortly after that little epiphany, my friend Terry came over with some great pizza for me to try. We sat on the front porch with Vanna and Bindi and an air force of June bugs, talking about our various challenges. Another neighbor, Signe, walked across the steet and told us about a wonderful event she had attended. When they left, I realized they were the one of the "baby steps" God sent me - friends who appeared to gently coax me further out of that choking fog. I'm grateful.
posted by Shannon Ingram | 10:45 PM
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