Dating & Relationships at Midlife

I met Gary after he responded to a personal ad I placed in "Westword," an alternative newspaper in Denver. "Westword" had a great editorial staff and interesting articles but it was famous for its "personals" - you know, "Men seeking Women," Women seeking Men," "Men seeking Men," Women seeking Women," Men seeking Sheep," - that last one being Gary's favorite.

A couple of years after my first husband, Bruce, died of a sudden heart attack and left me distraught and scared, I literally woke up one morning and said to myself, "Holy crap, I'm 45 and single!" It was fun to be single and still relatively attractive. I went through a short "bar phase," going out with friends from work and meeting a lot of married men, most of whom spun sad stories of being horribly unhappy at home. I politely declined advances and referred them to sheep. One insisted he was separated and I fell for that. Turns out he was only separated while on business trips to Denver.

With a job that had perks like season tickets to Colorado Rockies baseball games, Denver Broncos football games, Colorado Avalanche hockey games, and dinners at Hooters, I thought it might be nice to share the bounty with a male once in awhile, instead of Judy, Victoria, Ann, Shelley or Lisa. I pondered how to go about meeting someone who could be either Mr. Right or a hunky friend with benefits. Enter Bonnie Barnes, an advertising sales woman for a local Denver magazine who invited me to a business lunch. We talked for five minutes about her magazine and then, out of the blue, she said, "I hear you're a widow." I said yes and she replied, "Are you seeing anyone." I blushed. "If not, I'd love for you to take my class in dating and relationships for women." I continued blushing.

Turns out Bonnie had written a book on the subject of dating and conducted workshops too. The four-week workshop was held every Tuesday night from 7 to 10. Her pitch for her own class was way sexier than the one for her magazine. I signed up on the spot.

I loved Bonnie's class. I had to write a personal ad and place it in "Westword." The first week it ran, I had 28 responses. The second week I had another 30. My headline was, "SMART, SEXY, SOPHISTICATED, SUCCESSFUL" - which was a huge stretch for me because I would have been more comfortable with "CAT LOVER WANTS SOMEONE WITHOUT ALLERGIES" or "LOVE ME, LOVE MY CAT." Bonnie said that would only attract deviants. When I told my mother I was placing the ad and seeking Mr. Right, she said, "You're going to meet an axe murderer." Always so positive, my mom.

Gary was the seventh man I spoke with on the phone and the third man I met. It was basically "love at first phone call" for us, but neither of us admitted that till we were engaged. I dumped him after six weeks because the whole idea of really finding the right person - and of letting go of Bruce - was more than I could handle. Fortunately, my friend Lu Ann talked me into calling Gary back about a month later. That was it. I did everything Bonnie said to do and sure enough, I found my sweet prince - benefits and all!

Mind you, this happened before the Internet replaced personal ads as the preferred way to seek a partner. Yet I realize that much of what Bonnie taught me is still apropos today. So now I'm going to teach a workshop of my own and the first one will be at the fourth annual WomanSage Conference, themed "Own Your Power" and being held October 25th at the Hilton Costa Mesa. My break-out session is titled "Midlife Dating & Relationships: 10 Steps to Finding and Keeping Mr. Right." I have great input from other fifty-something girlfriends who met their husbands online. And best of all, I have input from Gary - the STUCCO GUY. He said I need to let everyone know the importance of the "F" word, and I blushed. Then he said "The 'F' is for FLEXIBILITY." I can use that!