Get Organized for Eldercare
One day you drop in on Mom and Dad at noon and discover they are both in their bathrobes and the house is a mess. "Hey, why so lazy?" you ask. They tell you they didn't feel like getting dressed because they have nowhere to go today and they will clean the place later.
A couple of days later, you call your parents to say you're coming over and they tell you to wait an hour. When you finally arrive, you notice dishes in the sink, crumbs and coffee stains on the kitchen counter and dining room table. Mom's hair is dirty and her blouse is stained. Dad's shoes are untied and his sweater is soiled. Newspapers are piled on the patio and the place smells terrible because the kitty litter box hasn't been cleaned in days. Checking their bedroom, you notice several different sizes and colors of Dad's pills have spilled on his nightstand and onto the floor by the bed. You tell him about it and ask, "Did you take your pills today?" He replies, "Of course I did," and Mom adds, "No you didn't, but the cat ate one." When you take a plastic bag of cat droppings to the trash can in the garage, you notice a broken headlight and a big dent on the front fender of Mom's car. You ask her what happened, and she says, "I thought the car in front of me had turned already."
Welcome to the beginning of caregiving for elderly parents. If you and your family have talked with your folks about what's going to happen as they age and you've made a plan together, then consider yourself lucky. If not, it's time to have that conversation, learn exactly what they want and what you and the rest of your family can accept and support. If they want something that's not affordable or is impossible for you to handle, then you must discuss alternatives. It's not easy, but with planning it's bearable.
Without planning, you could end up doing what my sister, Meg, and I had to do with Mom and Jack, who refused to discuss any changes in their living conditions even after they had suffered strokes and falls. After one of Mom's late-night falls, Jack finally agreed that it was time to move to someplace where they would be safe, but Mom said "absolutely not." Jack and I dragged Mom to visit three of the six places I had researched and selected for them to view, but she refused to comment about any of them. In the end, it was Jack, Meg and I who decided where they would move. Mom chose to ignore us.
On moving day, both of my parents stayed in bed. My pre-teen niece, Hannah, sat with them. They let the professional movers, plus my brother-in-law, Ted, Meg, Gary and I work around them. When it was time to load their mattress and box springs, they were crushed and inconsolable. We just kept telling them we loved them and everything would be all right. Hannah held their hands and walked them to the car for the trip to their new home.
By late-afternoon, the new apartment was set up and the whole family went with them to their new dining room for dinner. It was Valentine's Day and there was a big party happening. Ladies and gentlemen were dressed up and a band played love songs from the 30's and 40's. Mom perked up a bit. She sang songs and accepted a rose from the dining room manager. On the way upstairs, she said, "Maybe this won't be so bad."
After a few months, they decided they truly liked the place. Today, Jack is on the resident board and enjoys his twice-weekly exercise class. Mom likes Friday happy hours and afternoons in the garden talking with friends. They get their med's every day from the staff and have a caregiver to help at the apartment, as well as the comfort of staff assistance at night if they need it.
I share this story because I want everyone who is approaching the role-reversal that is caregiving for aging parents to know it's easier to plan ahead. Research caregiving agencies if your parents want to stay in their home (and can afford to do so). Interview them now instead of when you need them after a stroke or fall and have to settle for less than the best. Read articles on the AARP web site about caring for the elderly. Read my book (of course), and get a copy of A Caregiver's Journey - Finding Your Way and its companion workbook by Karen Twichell (available on amazon.com). It will help you get organized and avoid the drama and serious stress that comes with the sudden realization that Mom and Dad or Grandpa or Aunt Doris are slipping physically, mentally and/or emotionally. Don't hang out in denial thinking they'll be ok where they are until they die. That's not usually how it happens, in my experience.
The worst part of eldercare is simply admitting to yourself that they need help. Once you get beyond that biting reality, there are great resources available to you. Get started learning about eldercare now!
A couple of days later, you call your parents to say you're coming over and they tell you to wait an hour. When you finally arrive, you notice dishes in the sink, crumbs and coffee stains on the kitchen counter and dining room table. Mom's hair is dirty and her blouse is stained. Dad's shoes are untied and his sweater is soiled. Newspapers are piled on the patio and the place smells terrible because the kitty litter box hasn't been cleaned in days. Checking their bedroom, you notice several different sizes and colors of Dad's pills have spilled on his nightstand and onto the floor by the bed. You tell him about it and ask, "Did you take your pills today?" He replies, "Of course I did," and Mom adds, "No you didn't, but the cat ate one." When you take a plastic bag of cat droppings to the trash can in the garage, you notice a broken headlight and a big dent on the front fender of Mom's car. You ask her what happened, and she says, "I thought the car in front of me had turned already."
Welcome to the beginning of caregiving for elderly parents. If you and your family have talked with your folks about what's going to happen as they age and you've made a plan together, then consider yourself lucky. If not, it's time to have that conversation, learn exactly what they want and what you and the rest of your family can accept and support. If they want something that's not affordable or is impossible for you to handle, then you must discuss alternatives. It's not easy, but with planning it's bearable.
Without planning, you could end up doing what my sister, Meg, and I had to do with Mom and Jack, who refused to discuss any changes in their living conditions even after they had suffered strokes and falls. After one of Mom's late-night falls, Jack finally agreed that it was time to move to someplace where they would be safe, but Mom said "absolutely not." Jack and I dragged Mom to visit three of the six places I had researched and selected for them to view, but she refused to comment about any of them. In the end, it was Jack, Meg and I who decided where they would move. Mom chose to ignore us.
On moving day, both of my parents stayed in bed. My pre-teen niece, Hannah, sat with them. They let the professional movers, plus my brother-in-law, Ted, Meg, Gary and I work around them. When it was time to load their mattress and box springs, they were crushed and inconsolable. We just kept telling them we loved them and everything would be all right. Hannah held their hands and walked them to the car for the trip to their new home.
By late-afternoon, the new apartment was set up and the whole family went with them to their new dining room for dinner. It was Valentine's Day and there was a big party happening. Ladies and gentlemen were dressed up and a band played love songs from the 30's and 40's. Mom perked up a bit. She sang songs and accepted a rose from the dining room manager. On the way upstairs, she said, "Maybe this won't be so bad."
After a few months, they decided they truly liked the place. Today, Jack is on the resident board and enjoys his twice-weekly exercise class. Mom likes Friday happy hours and afternoons in the garden talking with friends. They get their med's every day from the staff and have a caregiver to help at the apartment, as well as the comfort of staff assistance at night if they need it.
I share this story because I want everyone who is approaching the role-reversal that is caregiving for aging parents to know it's easier to plan ahead. Research caregiving agencies if your parents want to stay in their home (and can afford to do so). Interview them now instead of when you need them after a stroke or fall and have to settle for less than the best. Read articles on the AARP web site about caring for the elderly. Read my book (of course), and get a copy of A Caregiver's Journey - Finding Your Way and its companion workbook by Karen Twichell (available on amazon.com). It will help you get organized and avoid the drama and serious stress that comes with the sudden realization that Mom and Dad or Grandpa or Aunt Doris are slipping physically, mentally and/or emotionally. Don't hang out in denial thinking they'll be ok where they are until they die. That's not usually how it happens, in my experience.
The worst part of eldercare is simply admitting to yourself that they need help. Once you get beyond that biting reality, there are great resources available to you. Get started learning about eldercare now!
posted by Shannon Ingram | 8:40 PM
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